Marriages...like business after all

They say businesses can be set up as partnerships, limited liability companies, private or public limited companies. I say so are marriages.

Partnerships: Partners come together of their own will predominantly. They make big decisions together. If their partnership succeeds, they benefit equally. If it doesn't, they suffer equally. Commitment to each other is absolute and foremost, no boundaries drawn.

Limited Liability Companies: Just a weaker partnership, not necessarily a weaker marriage. Some boundaries exist. Partners are committed, yet withhold some territory as theirs alone. Like a private nest egg, veto rights on big decisions, an ex they still want to keep as "friend". Think love marriages with pre/post nuptials coded in.

Private Limited Companies: I think of traditionally arranged marriages as best fitting this format. The broad framework is drawn up beforehand between families, not the partners. These relationships operate as conglomerates. Marriage is less of a relationship between two individuals than an alliance between the families. Ledgers are maintained judiciously and accounting is sounder, not necessarily fairer than partnerships and LLCs.

Public Limited Companies: These are the real jewels in the basket. Auctions are set up and the highest paying bidder who benefits from this alliance wins the catch. Think middle class families raising their boys to be IAS officers in the hope of escalating their economic status in one marital sweep. Think marriages between business houses. Public offerings done not so privately.

I thought I had registered my marriage as a partnership. Am finding out it really is an LLC.

In which format is your marriage registered ?

 

Garam Masala

I have my favorite food columns. Jamie Oliver is so cool. The few recipe books collected over the 5 years of marriage are filled with enticing recipes. Yet, its another matter altogether to actually step into the kitchen and take charge of your food, three times a day, day after day. I am fighting my inertia to become friends with the kitchen. We are a bit awkward with each other right now.

You dig out a recipe. It seems so simple when you read it. When you actually set about it, atleast some ingredients are missing. You set about making tandoori chicken, and land up making garam masala. So you dig up a recipe for garam masala. Sanjeev Kapur says 10 things are needed. To hell with 10 things, you'll make it with 6.

You measure, you roast, you grind. You take off the lid and the magical aroma of freshly ground garam masala hits you. Sweet success.

The kitchen and you could be friends after all.

Feeding your family

I have been raised in a strictly middle class joint family.  Food was something functional and largely governed by budget. It was something that one working woman had to cook for a family of 10 members comprising mostly of adult males.

Our staple diet comprised of rice, lentils, over-cooked and spiced veggies and chapatis. Yoghurt, sweets, rice were a luxury. Salads were unheard of except the occasional slices of cucumber/radish or our plate. Steaming, baking, stir frying were techniques unheard of. If we got some custard with jelly and fruits, we were in seventh heaven. Good food meant something fried or sweet.

Times change. Disposable incomes change. Aspirations change. Exposure changes. Food habits seem to be sticky though.

I am a Dilliwalli, brought up on dal and aloo gobhi. He's a Mallu, brought up on dal curry and fish fry. We are both bored with the monotony of what we've been fed growing up and find our palate expanding gradually.

New flavors and techniques have been making inroads. I am fascinated to see the same old ingredients prepared in such different, delicious ways. I want to build a better, healthier relationship with food. I want to eat well at home and help my son (and husband) build the same habit. It seems like a daunting task.

Maybe Bangkok is where it will start falling in place.

Moving to a new country means...

....not quite knowing what to pack

....being reluctant to re-set your watch, knowing there's no turning it back

....trying to distract yourself with conveniences and sights to keep the loneliness at bay

....being in a tearing hurry to make that first cup of filter coffee at your new home

....savoring the less than perfect self-made dal, chawal, fish fry and pickle dinner

....finding comfort in personal objects, even the good ole ladle

Phir milenge Dilli,

Sawadee ka Bangkok ! 

Being a Mommy means...

...learning how to give, give and then some before you can expect anything in return

...learning how to love even when you don't feel loving

...dealing with a loneliness that is hard to explain to anyone but other young mothers

...changing your idea of luxury - 4 hours of uninterrupted sleep, 15 min showers

...living one day at a time, sometimes even half an hour at a time

...wanting more freedom but not being able to let go

...watching your insides dissolve each time your little one gives you that special smile

Bureaucracy ain't all that a Bitch

Its super fashionable and acceptable to crib about the pathetic state of our bureaucracy. All of us have our share of horror stories about our brush with passport/ income tax/ provident fund/ voter id office, gas agencies, police station, judiciary, marriage bureau,  etc.

I have a penchant for being bull headed when it comes to dealing with bureaucratic institutions (both public and private !) and toiling on till I get my work done. Here, I share some pearls of wisdom I have gathered from some rich and painful brushes with bureaucracy. 

• Lesson 1 - Do no evil - Nothing pisses off bureaucracy more that you trying to cut short the system. Some personal examples include deliberately giving incorrect address info. on my passport renewal application to avoid address verification in two different cities, using an agent in a bid to hasten procedure, not being diligent in filing tax returns properly (and being served a notice 4 years down the line for it). We are often guilty of making some vital error(s) but conveniently shift all the blame on the inefficiency of the system. 

• Lesson 2 - Patience wins the race - Lot of our angst stems from the speed of the system. However, we tend to overlook the sheer burden on the system. Its no mean feat that IRCTC's online booking performs way better than the rail reservation system for Europe despite catering to 3x population. Besides, not every task of ours is that urgent in nature. Barring real emergencies, the experience of dealing with the system becomes much better if we learn to accept its pace. 

• Lesson 3 -  Plan & Prepare - This cant be emphasized enough. Planning ahead and thoroughness in preparation are the key in dealing with systems. We don't crib about the copious (and ridiculous !) documentation that a US visa or education application demands. But you would often see customers at govt. offices being irked when they are turned back for incomplete paperwork. Part of this ire stems from bureaucracies not doing a good job of informing about these checklists. But if we realize in advance that systems operate on paperwork and ensure that we are well armed with all that is needed, its makes the system much easier to navigate.

• Lesson 4 - The Meek shall not inherit the Earth - If you have followed Lesson 1,2 and 3 and are still facing hurdles from just outright corrupt or arrogant officials, then its time for Lesson 4. Most systems have strong - though often hidden - grievance addressal mechanisms. We have to be brave and persistent enough to use them. After 9 months of harassment at the Mumbai passport office, I finally got angry enough to meet the RPO personally and get my file cleared without any contacts. When served with an income tax notice, I avoided using agents/experienced CA cousin/ IT office clerks to intervene on my behalf. Instead, I directly met the officer in charge - allegedly notorious for being corrupt - and sat down one-on-one with him to resolve my case in 0.5 hrs (but with 15 hrs of advance preparation) in a very pleasant and professional manner.     

There will be exceptions aplenty but I have found that putting the above lessons to use has served me well in dealing with bureaucracies.

Give it a shot and let me know how it goes ! 

The Right Attitude to Rain

It seems there might be some truth to our attitude playing a big role in how we can enjoy even a seemingly uncomfortable situation. 

Case in point. One week solo visit to in-laws place in Kerala. 

Background  - In the past 3 years of marriage, I have made these visits mostly as an item on the checklist and always along with husband. There have been several points of discomfort. Language problem, overwhelmingly non-veg cuisine, lack of outdoor options and, totally different culture being the prominent ones.

This time, something was different right from the outset. Much to my surprise, I initiated this visit and fixed dates, making it a week-long visit as compared to usual 2-3 day ones.  I was least concerned if husband could join in. If he could, it would be a cherry on the cake but I was feeling good enough about doing it solo. 

I ended up doing the visit on my own and it turned out to be the nicest visit of them all !!!!

Why ????? 

• The weather was absolutely delightful. Picture a Delhite from 44 degree celsius environs stepping into rainy Calicut in a peaceful house with lush greenery.

• My mom in law was (is) an angel, spending quality time with me yet giving me lots of space of my own letting me catch up with work and reading.

• I am expecting, enjoying good health in my 2nd trimester and, received lots of pampering from everyone around

• My 4 yr old brother in law (yes, no typo there) was exceedingly generous in letting me play as much super mario on his playstation as I wanted. His only gentle admonishment - "Amai, you want to play only super mario all the time. I like power ranger samurai !"

• I had absolutely zero tension on my mind w.r.t day to day household things. Everything was taken care of

It was possibly due to one or many of these reasons.

But something tells me that the real reason I had a great time is because I came with a positive attitude, looking forward to the trip and confident of having a good time. Everything else somehow fell into place after that.

The right attitude might be worth a try, no ?

P.s. This post is inspired by a charming little book by Alexander McCall Smith's with the same title, recommended recently by a friend . It seems that Scots believe that while rain is a constant menace in the lives of the Scottish, people's happiness in life is determined by "the right attitude to rain" :)