Of failed pregnancies and surrounding hush-hush

Two days back, we medically aborted our first attempt at making a baby.

I was eight weeks pregnant. A home test and blood HCG test had confirmed the same. However, the first sonography revealed that there was nothing growing inside the gestational sac. Zippo. A second sono confirmed the same and the doctors' advice was to terminate asap. So we did.

Here's a few things I realized in the one month whirlwind of countless trips to doctors, testing labs and sono centres.

• Pregnancies are natural. So are terminations - 20-40% pregnancies don't survive the first trimester. Doctors advise against trying to investigate the reasons for the first, even second failed pregnancy. Its like looking for a needle in a haystack. All you can do is take good care of yourself and hope for the best. 

• Why its better to keep hush for first 3 months - Not because its a taboo in case it fails, though thats how its made out to be. It will simply save you/your parents/ in-laws the bother of having to retract the good news at a time when you are dealing with this loss. The chances of a pregnancy going through successfully increase exponentially once a strong heart beat is detected and some critical abnormalities are ruled out. This usually happens within the first three months. I know the excitement of sharing this news. I indulged in it to some extent. I was also relieved at having exercised some restraint when things didn't go right. 

• No matter how much expert advice you take, some decisions can only be taken by you - Treat all the advice you get from well-meaning friends and family you may consult as just that. Advice, not decisions. Even a good gyne will make it clear that her recommendation is for you to convert into a decision. Whether you should repeat a sonography at another centre to rule out equipment errors, whether you should wait for a few more weeks in anticipation of a miracle at the risk of your own life, whether you should follow a surgical termination or a medical one.  The friends and doctors can at best tell you the pros and cons. Some of these decisions are yours alone to make. Not even your partner's. Its your life at stake. 

• Shit happens. And not always to other people - This is lot easier in theory than in practice. Sometimes, we need to simply accept our bad luck in a particular situation without treating it as a doomsday scenario or feeling unfairly victimized.  

• Don't take it personally. Really. - Its not a reflection of your (partner's) fertility or health. Small chance that it could be but a much bigger chance that its simply accidental. Don't get too serious about it, atleast not until you are sure about the reasons. But until then, take it in your stride and better still, talk about it with people around you. You'll be surprised at how many stories come tumbling out of closets ! They'll not just make you feel comforted and not so singled out in this misfortune but also bring you closer to those people who dare to share.

And as for tackling that million dollar question  

Nosey Aunty- "Beta, when will you give the good news again?"

You/ your partner - "Aunty, we are constantly trying" :)